Author Archives: Irine Schweitzer, LCSW

What Do Parents Have To Do With It?

As a parent, have you ever wondered:
“What can I do to influence the way my children turn out?”

an article by Irine Schweitzer, Psy.D., LCSW

The current findings coming out of research on Attachment and Interpersonal Neurobiology have now provided us with some of the answers to parent’s questions about influencing outcomes.

It turns out that the very qualities we want our children to have such as self confidence, empathy, and morality are the very same processes a human brain emphasizes and encodes.

But not just any brain — only a brain that is able to integrate its left and right hemispheres. An integrated brain enables children to thrive and achieve a highly flexible and adaptive capacity for balancing their emotions, thinking and empathic responses.

An integrated brain?

Your first question might be then: “Well, what contributes and promotes the brain’s ability to synthesize and integrate two very different hemispheres, the right which is the center for creative thought, and the left, which is the center of linear, logical, literal processes?”

Healthy parent-child relationship based on secure attachment


It turns out that secure attachment between children and their primary caregivers are the key to promoting the development of an integrative capacities of the brain.

What is a secure attachment between a parent and child?

The term secure attachment, and its correlate, insecure attachment was coined by Mary Main, who did a great deal of research with babies and their primary caretakers. To understand the nature of a child’s attachment to a parent, she devised a situation in which a baby/toddler was left alone with a stranger (researcher) for a few minutes. Then, the parent would come in and the child’s reaction was recorded. Secure children were those that got upset when mommy left, but quickly reconstituted themselves when she came back. The insecure children either avoided going to mommy when she came back, or were resistant to mommy’s attempts at comfort.

A mother’s story affects the attachment of her child.

What is actually even more amazing about these findings is that the results of a structured, follow up interview of the moms from all the different categories, were used to predict what kind of attachment their children will have, five years hence. In other words, based on what moms reported in their interview, the researcher was able to predict if the mother will have a secure attachment to her child or not.

What was, then, the main difference in the interview between the moms whose children displayed secure attachment and the moms whose children did not? The researchers’ answer was the coherence of the story the parents told about their lives. Not stories of happy childhoods smooth sailing, lack of conflicts or problems. Many stories were of not very happy childhoods, with some trauma, difficulties and challenges. But, these parents could conceptualize what had happened to them, process the ups and the downs, accept their past, and then talk about it in a fluid, open, and coherent way.

Good parents can integrate their life story.

Thus, the parent’s ability to integrate their past with the present was the predictive factor for the kind of an attachment their children would form with them. It is interesting to note, that a child could have a secure attachment with one parent, and an insecure attachment with other.

Even more fascinating is the fact that parents who were able to look at their lives, process their yet unprocessed experiences, deal with the pain and the hurt not yet dealt with, and then integrate those experiences into their sense of self, were able to change the insecure nature of their children’s attachment, to a secure one.

With work and dedication, change is truly possible.

If you would like help with integrating, processing and narrating your life story, please call Irine Schweitzer, LCSW at 818 754-4501 or contact Irine via email. 

Five Magical Hours

to a Happy Life with Your Spouse and Your Children.

an article by Irine Schweitzer, LCSW

“Don’t I spend enough time with my spouse and children? We watch TV together, eat family dinners once or twice a week, go out with friends, take the kids to Disneyland, help them with homework. Isn’t that enough?“

Well, according to the latest research — no, it is not.

A well-known marriage and relationships guru, Dr. John Gottman, has studied thousands of couples. His “Love Lab” is a makeshift apartment, equipped with a one way mirror and machines that monitor videotape and record a couple’s every word, facial expression and body reaction. Based on this ten-year-long scientific research, he has uncovered — among many other useful findings for making marriage work — the “Magic Five Hours.”

The Magic Five Hours approach strengthens a marriage.

Dr. Gottman discovered that these Magic Five Hours explained the difference between the couples whose marriage continued to improve after attending his weekend seminars and those that did not.

In each week, spouses should be sure to do these things:

  • Parting: Before leaving for work, find out one thing planned in the other’s day, from a lunch with the boss, to a phone call to an old friend. (2 minutes a day, 5 days a week = 10 minutes)
  • Reunion: Have some stress-reducing conversation about the happenings of the day. (20 minutes a day, 5 days a week = I hour 40 minutes)
  • Admiration and Appreciation: Find some way every day to communicate appreciation toward your spouse. (5 minutes a day, 7 days a week = 35 minutes)

Affection: Find some way to show affection to your spouse, through hug, touch, kiss, kind word, kind look, or kind smile. (5 minutes a day, 7 days a week = 35 minutes)

  • Weekly date: Chatting is a relaxing, low pressure way to connect. Any topic is fine. (2 hours)

 

Thus, the grand total comes to 5 hours.

A quote from Dr. Gottman summarizes the idea: “Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.”

A similar concept can be applied to a relationship between a parent and a child.

Parent and child spending quality time together.


Based on my own experiences as a mother, a therapist and a trained parenting educator, I have adapted the recommendations of Magic Five Hours. Parents who spend these hours on their relationship with their child(ren) create a positive, life-long bond. This tie can withstand the vicissitudes of fights, quarrels, disagreements, arguments, difference of opinion — all the difficulties that happen in every relationship in the course of everyday life.

In each week a parent should spend these times with their child:

  • Morning: A gentle “good morning,” a few lingering moments with the child as they are waking up, a few words with them as they get oriented and focus on what the day holds. (5 minutes a day, 7 days a week = 35 minutes)
  • After school: Take the time to ask about the day, to hear what is on their mind, to find out about homework, or to just sit while they are eating a snack. (10 minutes a day, 5 days a week = 50 minutes)
  • Child-Centered Activity: This very special time is different from any other interaction you will have with your child during the day, because the child gets to decide what they want to do with your time together. You do not tell them what you think the two of you should do together. They lead, you listen and follow. The child will feel seen, heard, and acknowledged in a very profound way. (15 minutes a day, 5 days a week, plus 30 minutes on Saturday and Sunday = 2 hours 15 minutes)
  • Night time:This is the most conducive time, along with bath time, to hear what might be on your child’s mind. It could be story time, or just talk. It’s time to check in again, to reflect, to listen or to share. (10 minutes a day, 5 days a week, plus 15 minutes on Saturday and Sunday = 1 hour, 20 minutes)

A grand total of 5 hours a week that will lay the foundation for your relationship with your child.

It’s hard to find time, so use it well.

And, yes, it is very hard to find the time when you have more than one child, and even harder when you have more than two, but I once saw a poster that said, “time can work for you or against you, depending on how you use it.” I hope you use your time well.

If you would like help with parenting or relationship issues, please call Irine Schweitzer, LCSW at 818 754-4501 or contact Irine via email. 

Toddlers and Sharing

The Inside Scoop on Toddlers and Sharing

an article by Irine Schweitzer, Psy.D., LCSW

One of the most embarrassing moments for me as a parent of a toddler was to invite over some friends with a toddler of their own for a Sunday brunch only to find that any toy the other child touched elicited a howl and a scream from my daughter. There was not one toy that she was willing to share. I was not only ready to die from shame but just could not believe that my angel toddler, on whom I showered my love, affection, time and good will, did not seem to learn from my magnanimity, largess and giving. The thought of “what did I do wrong” plagued me for days, as this behavior did not abate, but only seemed to persist each time we had someone else over with children. I wish I had known then, what I know now.

I wish someone had told me that toddlers are just learning who they are and part of who they are includes what they are playing with, or feel belongs to them. Thus, forcing a child to share is like asking them to give up a piece of themselves. It would be sort of like having another adult come up to us and ask us to share our latte with them, or our car or our money. We would not like someone asking us to share what we feel belongs to us.

So what can one a parent do? One of the most productive ways to help your toddler and yourself is to avoid telling a child to share and instead teach them to take turns. Teaching them to take turns gives you an opportunity to teach them something that is even more fundamental for their emerging self and identity. The concept of respect. In letting them know that you understand why they want to hold on the toy, you are showing them that their wishes and feelings are being respected. Once they know that you are not going to disregard their wants and desires and insist on giving up their beloved toy, they are going to be more open to listening to what you do want them to do. You might say something like “ I know that you are playing with this toy now. I see that you are really enjoying it. It’s your turn to play with it now. In five minutes, it will be the other girls turn to play with this toy and then I will help you find another toy to play with.”

Image of mother and child


You might also allow the child to decide himself when he is done with the toy by saying” I see that you are playing with this toy now. When you are finished, could you please give this toy to Greg. He is waiting for his turn. While he is waiting, I am going to help him find another toy to play with. It is hard to wait for a turn”. By letting the child decide when she is done, you are teaching them that they can learn to finish playing on their own and feel a sense of satisfaction of making a conscious decision to stop.

You can also encourage the toddlers to begin using their words and facilitate a conversation that might go something like this: “ Oh, Jonny, it looks like Mike is playing with this truck. He has the truck so it is his turn to play with it. But, we can ask him if you can have a turn after he is done. Would you like to do that. Yes? Ok. Let’s go. Say to Mike, can I have a turn after you are done? Mike, what do you think? Can you give this toy to Jonny when you are done with it. He is going to be waiting for his turn”.

Of course, real life somehow is always much more complicated. Jonny does not want to give up the toy, ever. Mike does not want to wait. One grabs the toy from the other. The other pushes, punches, screams, cries. That’s the other part I wished I had know much earlier. Not wanting to share is actually a normal part of a child’s development. Sharing is a skill that a toddler will develop over several years. You are going to having these conversations over and over again before a toddler begins to understand what she needs to do when she wants a toy and what she needs to do when someone else wants her toy.

If we as parents realize that we are actually asking our toddlers to master a very complicated process that involves the ability to tolerate frustration, have patience, have empathy for others and feel whole enough to give up a part of ourselves, we might also develop a bit more respect and patience for our toddlers and for ourselves.

Tips on play dates at home

Make sure to take a few minutes before the other child comes over to discuss with your child which toys they do not want to part of the play date at all. Those toys you can put away in the closet. Then take a look at which toys are similar and decide who is going to get which truck ,which doll, which car, which teddy bear, which kitchen utensil. You might also plant an idea such that “ you know, at some point in the play you might want to switch toys and take turns playing with the other toy.” You might also let your toddler know that you know that they can have a lot of fun together but if they are having trouble, they can come get some help.

If you would like help with becoming a better parent, please call Irine Schweitzer, LCSW at 818 754-4501 or contact Irine via email. 

Toddlers and Play

Is your toddler putting in a 10 hour day?

You bet he is.

an article by Irine Schweitzer, Psy.D., LCSW

What? You don’t see him getting dressed for work, making lunch, driving off and coming back stressed and exhausted? Well, that’s only because you think work is what adults do. “Toddlers don’t work, they have it easy, they play all day,” you are thinking. Yes, toddlers do play — but for them play is their work.

A toddler is always on the job.

When you see a toddler putting things in containers, tipping them over, putting them back, touching a dog, running in circles, climbing up stairs, throwing a ball, looking at a book, moving to music, crawling, hiding a toy and looking for it, putting on a funny hat, building with blocks, putting a doll to sleep, painting, smearing, crushing, mashing, or smelling, you have just witnessed a toddler at work.

Play allows toddlers to practice the skills they will need as they grow, such as how to climb, how to hold a brush, how to concentrate, how to pay attention, how to make mistakes and how to try again. Through repetition, trial and error, sensory feedback, imagination, and comments from others they learn about their bodies, their feelings, and the boundaries between them and the world around them. Through play toddlers work on developing a sense of themselves, the world, and their place in the world.

Treat your toddler’s work with respect.

Toddlers play is their work, and parents should respect that work.


Once we, as parents, recognize that our toddlers are working, then…

…We would not simply say, “OK, we need to go home now” when our toddler who is enjoying himself in the park. We would:

  • give him fair warning,
  • give him time to finish up what he is in a middle of doing,
  • acknowledge that we realize that he is enjoying his play and exploration,
  • let him know that he will be able to continue next time.

…We would not tell our child to stop his activity just because it is time — like time for lunch. We would:

  • pay attention to what the child is doing,
  • help him finish that activity before moving on to the next.

…We would not simply ask him to “clean up” when he is in a middle of building a fort, or a car or boat. We would:

  • ask him if he wants to save it,
  • help him find a way to put it away safely so that he can continue working on it later.

…We would not assume that a full day of outings need not include some “play time” as well. To us, a day full of activities sound like a day that would keep him busy and entertained. To our toddler, it does not take the place of child-directed play time, which everyone needs — even us, adults.

…We would not complain that our toddler likes to touch everything. We would understand why he:

  • likes to stick his fingers in all the little holes,
  • likes to play with mud,
  • likes to make a mess,
  • spills his toys on purpose,
  • throws the ball hard,
  • can’t sit still,
  • rips out all the pages from the soft cover book,
  • or even likes to step on dog poop.

Recognize your toddler at work.

Create a safe place where he can explore his world, treat this play with respect, and join him in his work. You will watch him grow into a child who is confident, imaginative, and self-assured.

If you would like help with becoming a better parent, please call Irine Schweitzer, LCSW at 818 754-4501 or contact Irine via email. 

TV Review: Bad Therapy by Troubled Shrink Is Revealing TV

Appearing in The Jewish Journal, January 24, 2008

“In Treatment,” a new HBO drama series, showcases therapist Paul Weston (played by Gabriel Byrne), treating a different client every day of the week and culminating in his seeking out supervision for himself with his ex-supervisor after an eight-year hiatus.

The drama, debuting Jan. 28, is scheduled daily over nine weeks. It reveals how what unfolds for the therapist, as well as the patient, in each therapy session can cause a therapist to seek help for himself. The series, co-executive produced by Noa Tishby, who brought it to HBO, is based upon an Israeli version with a similar premise that took that country by storm last year.

As a psychotherapist, when I heard of a new TV series featuring therapy sessions, I was intrigued and hopeful. I had fantasies that finally the world would learn the truth about what therapy really is and what therapists really do.

Therapists, like Jews, are a beleaguered group. We and our profession are not well understood — “therapy is for crazy people, and I am not crazy” is what I often hear. One client told me recently, “I know you are going to make me talk about what I do not want.”

Therapists are accused of being shrinks, of always putting all the blame on the “proverbial mother” and, of course, of being “Freudian” and seeing sexual underpinnings for all psychological problems. But, most importantly, what therapists hear most is, “How can you help someone by just talking to them?”

Well at last, I thought, a series that will reveal the power of the “talking cure.”

On the other hand, for therapists, news of a new TV series about therapy is akin to Jews hearing news on CNN about Israel. The first question we Jews ask ourselves is, “Is it good for the Jews?” The first question I began to wonder about as I sat down to watch some of the episodes sent to me by HBO is, “Is this series going to be good for therapists?”

In real therapy, drama comes from a slow, laborious, repetitive process of restructuring the mind. The work consists of making meaning of not-yet-understood reactions and behaviors, and of returning over and over again to feelings and thoughts that are re-experienced in a different light.

New information comes out over time, as trust grows and the patient achieves greater clarity. Resistance is subtle, usually unconscious. This kind of process should not make great television.

Well, having watched the first few weeks of this series, I would have to say “In Treatment” does make great television, and it is good for therapists, but it’s not what you might think.

The series kicks off with Laura, a beautiful young doctor who has just been given an ultimatum by her live-in boyfriend: “Either marry me, or we are through.”

Loathing her boyfriend and the pressure he puts on her, she comments about him to Weston, “Don’t you know that men are the new women? They want marriage, kids, a house.” She certainly does not sound like she wants that.

What she does want is her therapist, and she reveals to Weston that she is in love with him. He looks stricken, fumbles, acts surprised, asks her to elaborate and the drama goes from there.

As a viewer, I was captivated by the dialogue, glued to my seat with my heart racing. But, as a therapist, I realized that what we had just been served was our first taste of what makes this series a riveting and compelling drama — a series of therapy sessions livened up by the fireworks that come out of a whole list of ethical and professional boundary violations.

As therapists, we are bound by an ethical code that compels us to think carefully through such issues as how much dependence do we foster in our clients, when do our own personal issues interfere with what is “best for the client,” how much personal information to share with a client and when do we bend rules for a client?

In every episode, Weston gets caught in his own confusion as to what is professional or ethical conduct, and he allows his patients to question his rules and to push him into making judgment calls that mess up both his personal and professional life.

In the episodes with Laura, Weston gets caught in one of the issues most tantalizing to nonprofessionals, as well as one of the most challenging and delicate issues for therapists: an erotic transference, or the client falling in love with the therapist. In the therapeutic process, transference occurs when a patient assigns to the therapist feelings and attitudes that were originally associated with important figures in the past.

Sometimes transference is positive, and the therapist feels that the patient adores him. Sometimes it is negative, and he becomes the object of scorn, loathing and blame. Sometimes it is erotic, and the patient feels that he or she has found their true love, the one who really loves them, cares for them, wants them and needs them.

The patient cannot tell the difference between erotic transference and falling in love. To the patient, the love feels just as tender, just as special, just as all-consuming. It demands gratification. But, to the therapist, the erotic transference is an indication of the patient’s need to act out the past, rather than remember, examine, understand and find in it a way to find love in a healthy, fulfilling relationship outside of therapy.

Weston is not able help Laura uncover what lies behind her need to fall in love with him, because he has some ambivalent feelings toward her. Unable to face and own up to his real feelings, he unconsciously crosses the boundaries of ethical standards and professional conduct. We see it as he looks tenderly at Laura, as he lovingly drapes a shawl over her shoulders, as he holds her hand, as he steadies her when she gets up and appears to be wobbly.

Based on his behavior and reaction to her professed love, it is hard to believe that he was truly surprised to know that she has been in love with him for so long. It is much more likely that he has been picking up nonverbal messages from her for months in their weekly sessions but has not been willing to admit that he was falling in love with her as well. Weston has been avoiding seeking consultation to help him deal with his feelings for Laura, his troubled marriage, his alienation from his children and especially his burnout at work. He still believes that he does not need help and moves on to his Tuesday client, Alex.

Alex is a Navy pilot who recently returned from a mission in which he bombed a target that turned out to be a school. He comes to see Weston because he needs to know whether he should be going back to Iraq to witness firsthand what happened to the children.

He mentions in passing that his picture is plastered all over terrorist Web sites. He is cocky, self-confident and needs immediate answers.

Weston agrees to give Alex advice, a major faux pas for a seasoned therapist. In this case, the danger of Weston giving Alex advice was not in conveying a presumption that he knows what is best, because by the end of the session, he realizes that Alex has already made up his mind.

The danger Weston walked into was in giving Alex the message that decisions in therapy can be made without thinking about both sides of the conflict, understanding the meaning and the feelings associated with each position and helping the client clarify what they really want.

We are not surprised then that when Weston realizes what Alex has decided to do and tries to engage Alex in thoughtful dialogue around his decision, Alex shrugs him off. After the session, Weston feels victimized, discarded and used.

The Wednesday client, Sophie, is a 16-year-old girl. Sophie comes in for an evaluation mandated by a car insurance company, suspicious about her role in an accident. Her bike suspiciously collided with a car, leaving her with two broken arms. She has already refused to speak to a social worker and is distrustful, rageful, lonely and needy.

Weston finds out that she knows his daughter but lets it slide when Sophie reassures him that they are not in the same class, although she does drop some gossipy piece of information about her, “since he would want to know.”

He promises to write her an evaluation, although he tells her at their next session that it is not ready yet because he needs more time to get to know her. She becomes enraged at him and tries to leave in the middle of the session.

How can Sophie trust this therapist who breaks promises, lets her bully him, does not show respect for her and his daughter’s need for confidentiality and goes along with her wish to keep her mother out of her therapy and basically out of her life?

Jake and Amy are Weston’s Thursday patients. A married couple, they are seeking marital counseling, as well as advice on what to do with Amy’s pregnancy. After five years of infertility treatments, Amy is finally pregnant but is no longer sure she can love another child, in addition to their toddler son.

Jake wants the baby and accuses Amy of wanting to murder their child by considering abortion. Amy is not the only one Jake accuses of murder. When Jake pushes Weston into giving them an answer and not waste their time and money, Weston succumbs and then realizes immediately his mistake. The result makes Weston feel that he has just about had enough, and he puts in a call to his ex-supervisor to schedule an appointment with her the next day.

It is the appointment with his supervisor, Gina, that saves the series. She is an older, experienced therapist, and she tells Weston exactly what he needs to hear: That his work is “impulsive, unorganized and problematic.” Weston defends himself, but she does not buy any of it.

At last, a therapist that therapists can be proud of.

The real value of this series to therapists, however, comes from the show’s metamessage, best summed up by one of the earliest psychologists, William Shakespeare: “This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

Translated into modern lingo, Shakespeare is reminding all of us, but especially therapists, that our most important tool in being able to help others is knowing the contours and the depth of our own mind. As a well-tuned instrument, we can then resonate to our clients’ needs, wishes, desires, fantasies and demands in the way that helps them know themselves in the deepest sense.

As a therapist, I have often encountered raised eyebrows from friends, relatives and even colleagues when I mention that I am in analysis and am getting additional supervision for my work, not because I am required for licensure, but because I feel I need it to grow as a professional.

There is an unspoken sense that “you are OK, you are a good enough professional, you have invested enough of your time and money on your profession, enjoy the fruits of your labor for a change.”

Now, with the airing of “In Treatment,” I, along with many others like me, can point to the man who is going to become the iconic image of a “therapist” and say to the rest of the world, “I would not want to become like Paul Weston, puh, puh.”

© Copyright 2009 The Jewish Journal and JewishJournal.com.

If you would like help with becoming a better parent and spouse, please call Irine Schweitzer, LCSW at 818 754-4501 or contact Irine via email. 

TV Review: Rabbi’s Focus on Family a Little Fuzzy

Appearing in The Jewish Journal, April 13, 2006

an article by Irine Schweitzer, Psy.D., LCSW

The first episode of Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s “Shalom in the House,” which aired April 10 on the TLC network, was a fast-paced account of five days the rabbi spent with a family in Philadelphia. Beatrice Romero, a single mother raising three teenage daughters and a 7-year-old son, sent the rabbi a tape asking for his help in bringing some peace to her home.

We see segments of the family’s prior life, with the children beating each other up and the mother absent from the picture or ineffective in making them stop. We are told that Luis, the father, had an 18-month affair, and the couple’s 17-year marriage ended about two years ago. Luis admitted to the affair when confronted by his 16-year-old daughter.

To complicate matters, one of the other daughters has begun a secret sexual relationship with her boyfriend, despite being forbidden by her mother to date until she is 18.

Boteach enters the picture on a mission, although we are not sure from the outset what it is. He introduces himself as having counseled thousands of families and being the author of a best-selling book on family life. As he drives to Philadelphia, he tells us that his own parents divorced when he was 8. “I was devastated, and at that early age, vowed I will make a difference.”

He might have chosen to become a family therapist or a child-focused therapist. Instead, he is a rabbi with a deep desire to fix problems. He reminds us that he practices what he preaches, since he has eight children of his own.

If he were a therapist, he would begin his work with this family by taking a thorough account of their history. He would want to know about the mother’s own experiences as a child, her parenting style, the kind of discipline she uses, how effective it is, what kind of relationship she has with each of the children, what is special and unique about each child and what kind of marriage she had prior to her divorce, as well as the current custody arrangements and the current relationships between the children and their father.

Boteach does not ask these questions. He makes his diagnosis immediately. He decides that the main reason the children are assaulting each other is because of their parents’ divorce.

“Without dad, Luis, the Romero family is losing its way,” he says. His solution is equally straightforward: “Divorce is a tragedy, and if we can save them from going through this torture, we must,” he tells the parents.

His mission is now clear: Boteach is going to get the parents back together and help them work as a team to parent their children. No, not as in the traditional help a therapist might offer divorced parents, such as assistance in understanding that they need to find a way to communicate with each other, because their children still need them to be effective parents. Instead, he focuses on actually getting the two back together as husband and wife, so that they can both be there to parent their children.

How does Boteach try to achieve his goal?

He does not rely on the therapeutic process, in which the person in therapy comes to understand his or her own feelings, obstacles and baggage, thereby finding renewed energy and motivation to change behavior. Boteach’s approach consists of using persuasion, gentle pressure, guilt, rabbinic wisdom and his ability to coach a basketball game.

Rabbinic wisdom is dispensed freely. When Beatrice expresses her frustration at not knowing how to stop the children from arguing and fighting, Boteach tells her that her daughters, who should be giving off softness and nurturing energy, are instead behaving like boys in the locker room — something he claims they learned from her, because she has been distant and withdrawn from Luis.

When Luis expresses disappointment that his daughter is having sex with her boyfriend, Boteach comes down hard on him: “A girl at 16 needs a man to tell her she is special. Your daughter needs a father now, not a boyfriend. You need to be a father to her and a husband and protect your daughter. You need to tell her she is special.”

Apparently, Luis also needs to know that it’s not Beatrice’s job to lay down the law in the home.

“Luis,” he says, “it is your job to lay down the law. Don’t be weak. Do the right thing.”

Later, Boteach addresses the audience, telling us that most men who have affairs are not thinking.

“If Luis can be a man, a dedicated, monogamous, loving husband, maybe I can bring this family back together.” he says.

To bring everyone together, Boteach says he needs to do something really different. He does this by bringing the family onto a basketball court, and as a “good coach” — as he refers to himself — he makes the mother and father play on one team and the children on the other. His goal, he says in an aside to viewers, is to make the parents work together in hopes that they will stop bickering and begin enjoying each other’s company.

He tries the same tactic again later, upping the ante. The family is going to engage in another activity — cleaning out the basement. This time, the rabbi informs us, “divorce is only a necessity if you can’t fix the situation.”

Before the family meets, he has a tete-a-tete with Beatrice. In the conversation, he uses guilt to make her give him another chance, telling her Luis still loves her. He has a similar conversation with Luis, in which he tells him, “The secret to life is that you can do whatever you want. If you want her back, and are sincere, you can make it happen.”

Then, as the family cleans out the basement, with Luis intentionally made the leader of the project, “even though he does not live there,” Boteach pipes in suggestions through a remote walkie-talkie, suggesting to Luis to get a drink for his wife and telling Beatrice to thank him for it. The family activity is topped off with Boteach telling everyone how much they need to respect Luis for doing something so selfless.

Based on the shots of the family taken two months after the episode, everyone seems to be doing better.

So, what exactly happened?

I am not sure, but it seems that the rabbi’s conservative, traditional values were well received and echoed by the values of the family. We are not told what the family’s religious affiliation is, but the girls appeared to be dressed in parochial school uniforms. Capitalizing on their religious values, Boteach was able to sermonize to them about right and wrong, to hold up traditional roles for men and women as an ideal and to make the family members believe that they had made a mistake that could be corrected.

In the second episode, airing Monday, April 17, Boteach relies on the same rabbinical wisdom, pop psychology and common sense to fix the problem of the Maxwell family, who requested help disciplining their 3-year-old only son, Zackary. We see Zack running down the street toward the curb, throwing temper tantrums. We see the child refusing to listen to his mother, brush his teeth or sleep in his own bed.

The parents, Greg and LynnSue have not slept alone together for most of the year, and Greg has a hobby of videotaping Zack’s every move and then posting the clips on a Web page, which gets hundreds of hits a day.

Boteach summarizes Zack’s problems as “a simple problem of discipline. Zack simply has too much control, and the parents need to sleep together in the same bed, without Zack there.”

So far, Boteach’s thoughts, though simplistic, and formed without much more information than what viewers have been given, seem to be on the right track.

To remedy the situation, he tells the parents that it is their job to set the rules, that 3-year-olds do not understand the concept of boundaries in an intelligent way and that children need their parents to set down the law. Having witnessed the parents struggling with Zack during bedtime, we can accept the notion that Zack feels he is the boss and needs some clear guidelines, with consistency and follow-through, all of which seems to be missing at the Maxwell home.

What becomes excruciatingly painful to watch are the couple’s attempt to keep Zack sleeping in his bed, having been told that it will only take two or three attempts over a couple of nights before Zack will comply.

I became furious watching Greg and LynnSue change Zack’s routines cold turkey, leaving him feeling helpless, lost and angry.

Boteach focuses only on fixing the problem, without regard to the complicated issues that come up for parents in setting limits, withstanding their children’s cries and being firm but gentle. He ignores the important process of helping parents set realistic expectations. When their new routine fails, he is taken aback by their displeasure with him.

The last telling and painful segment revolves around a video Greg shot of Zack having a temper tantrum. Zack was throwing around his trains and was given a warning to stop or lose the privilege of playing with them. Zack continues to throw the trains, and the parents gather up the whole set and put it away.

Greg takes out the camera to record Zack’s reaction. Zack becomes enraged, partly about losing his trains but also about being filmed, and he tells his father to stop. Greg ignores him.

When Boteach discusses this clip, he focuses on the problem of letting Zack express this much rage, which he believes needs to be “reigned in.” As a good Chasidic rabbi, he is following the dictum of “having anger is likened to serving idols.” By telling the parents that they simply need to find a way to control the temper tantrum, he not only loses their attention, but he also offers nothing to help the next time.

The rabbi shrugs off their disconnect, blaming the father for being insecure, fearful of being ordinary and resistant to his message. His parting words to the father are to forget about the camera and Web site, to focus on the family and the precious moments one has with them and not go after big bucks and fame. The father’s look has a mixture of frustration and thoughtfulness. Boteach is happy.

I was not.

As a religious Jew, Boteach’s sermons have a somewhat familiar, comfortable tinge. But, as a therapist, his mission and his methods grate on my professional ethics, my psyche and my nerves.

It is almost excruciatingly painful to see him in the first episode impose his own agenda on a family and through guilt, coerce them into making promises to him; telling them that he has the cure for all their ills, and finally committing one of the cardinal sins of working with children of divorce: asking the children in a suggestive way if they would like to have their parents back together.

It is equally enraging in the second episode to see Boteach “play therapist,” assuring the family he knows what he is doing and then watching them feel inadequate, let down and humiliated at their failure.

But, the most insightful piece for me, as a therapist, was to see how Boteach’s deep-seated painful feelings surrounding his own parents’ divorce remain with him — unprocessed and unconscious — and his deep-seated wish to have had someone walk into his home and do what every child of divorce dreams of: bring the parents back together, continue to live on in the present and be the driving force for one’s life work.

I also now can sleep better, knowing that therapists really do offer people something very different than clergy, co-workers, relatives, friends and colleagues.

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If you would like help with becoming a better parent and spouse, please call Irine Schweitzer, LCSW at 818 754-4501 or send her an email.