to a Happy Life with Your Spouse and Your Children.
an article by Irine Schweitzer, LCSW
“Don’t I spend enough time with my spouse and children? We watch TV together, eat family dinners once or twice a week, go out with friends, take the kids to Disneyland, help them with homework. Isn’t that enough?”
Well, according to the latest research — no, it is not.
A well-known marriage and relationships guru, Dr. John Gottman, has studied thousands of couples. His “Love Lab” is a makeshift apartment, equipped with a one way mirror and machines that monitor videotape and record a couple’s every word, facial expression and body reaction. Based on this ten-year-long scientific research, he has uncovered — among many other useful findings for making marriage work — the “Magic Five Hours.”
The Magic Five Hours approach strengthens a marriage.
Dr. Gottman discovered that these Magic Five Hours explained the difference between the couples whose marriage continued to improve after attending his weekend seminars and those that did not.
In each week, spouses should be sure to do these things:
- Parting: Before leaving for work, find out one thing planned in the other’s day, from a lunch with the boss, to a phone call to an old friend. (2 minutes a day, 5 days a week = 10 minutes)
- Reunion: Have some stress-reducing conversation about the happenings of the day. (20 minutes a day, 5 days a week = I hour 40 minutes)
- Admiration and Appreciation: Find some way every day to communicate appreciation toward your spouse. (5 minutes a day, 7 days a week = 35 minutes)
Affection: Find some way to show affection to your spouse, through hug, touch, kiss, kind word, kind look, or kind smile. (5 minutes a day, 7 days a week = 35 minutes)
- Weekly date: Chatting is a relaxing, low pressure way to connect. Any topic is fine. (2 hours)
Thus, the grand total comes to 5 hours.
A quote from Dr. Gottman summarizes the idea: “Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.”
A similar concept can be applied to a relationship between a parent and a child.
Based on my own experiences as a mother, a therapist and a trained parenting educator, I have adapted the recommendations of Magic Five Hours. Parents who spend these hours on their relationship with their child(ren) create a positive, life-long bond. This tie can withstand the vicissitudes of fights, quarrels, disagreements, arguments, difference of opinion — all the difficulties that happen in every relationship in the course of everyday life.
In each week a parent should spend these times with their child:
- Morning: A gentle “good morning,” a few lingering moments with the child as they are waking up, a few words with them as they get oriented and focus on what the day holds. (5 minutes a day, 7 days a week = 35 minutes)
- After school: Take the time to ask about the day, to hear what is on their mind, to find out about homework, or to just sit while they are eating a snack. (10 minutes a day, 5 days a week = 50 minutes)
- Child-Centered Activity: This very special time is different from any other interaction you will have with your child during the day, because the child gets to decide what they want to do with your time together. You do not tell them what you think the two of you should do together. They lead, you listen and follow. The child will feel seen, heard, and acknowledged in a very profound way. (15 minutes a day, 5 days a week, plus 30 minutes on Saturday and Sunday = 2 hours 15 minutes)
- Night time:This is the most conducive time, along with bath time, to hear what might be on your child’s mind. It could be story time, or just talk. It’s time to check in again, to reflect, to listen or to share. (10 minutes a day, 5 days a week, plus 15 minutes on Saturday and Sunday = 1 hour, 20 minutes)
A grand total of 5 hours a week that will lay the foundation for your relationship with your child.
It’s hard to find time, so use it well.
And, yes, it is very hard to find the time when you have more than one child, and even harder when you have more than two, but I once saw a poster that said, “time can work for you or against you, depending on how you use it.” I hope you use your time well.
For help with marital issues or with parenting skills, please contact Irine Schweitzer, LCSW, at 818 754-4501 or contact Irine via email.