Category Archives: Toddlers

Toddlers and Sharing

The Inside Scoop on Toddlers and Sharing

an article by Irine Schweitzer, Psy.D., LCSW

One of the most embarrassing moments for me as a parent of a toddler was to invite over some friends with a toddler of their own for a Sunday brunch only to find that any toy the other child touched elicited a howl and a scream from my daughter. There was not one toy that she was willing to share. I was not only ready to die from shame but just could not believe that my angel toddler, on whom I showered my love, affection, time and good will, did not seem to learn from my magnanimity, largess and giving. The thought of “what did I do wrong” plagued me for days, as this behavior did not abate, but only seemed to persist each time we had someone else over with children. I wish I had known then, what I know now.

I wish someone had told me that toddlers are just learning who they are and part of who they are includes what they are playing with, or feel belongs to them. Thus, forcing a child to share is like asking them to give up a piece of themselves. It would be sort of like having another adult come up to us and ask us to share our latte with them, or our car or our money. We would not like someone asking us to share what we feel belongs to us.

So what can one a parent do? One of the most productive ways to help your toddler and yourself is to avoid telling a child to share and instead teach them to take turns. Teaching them to take turns gives you an opportunity to teach them something that is even more fundamental for their emerging self and identity. The concept of respect. In letting them know that you understand why they want to hold on the toy, you are showing them that their wishes and feelings are being respected. Once they know that you are not going to disregard their wants and desires and insist on giving up their beloved toy, they are going to be more open to listening to what you do want them to do. You might say something like “ I know that you are playing with this toy now. I see that you are really enjoying it. It’s your turn to play with it now. In five minutes, it will be the other girls turn to play with this toy and then I will help you find another toy to play with.”

Image of mother and child


You might also allow the child to decide himself when he is done with the toy by saying” I see that you are playing with this toy now. When you are finished, could you please give this toy to Greg. He is waiting for his turn. While he is waiting, I am going to help him find another toy to play with. It is hard to wait for a turn”. By letting the child decide when she is done, you are teaching them that they can learn to finish playing on their own and feel a sense of satisfaction of making a conscious decision to stop.

You can also encourage the toddlers to begin using their words and facilitate a conversation that might go something like this: “ Oh, Jonny, it looks like Mike is playing with this truck. He has the truck so it is his turn to play with it. But, we can ask him if you can have a turn after he is done. Would you like to do that. Yes? Ok. Let’s go. Say to Mike, can I have a turn after you are done? Mike, what do you think? Can you give this toy to Jonny when you are done with it. He is going to be waiting for his turn”.

Of course, real life somehow is always much more complicated. Jonny does not want to give up the toy, ever. Mike does not want to wait. One grabs the toy from the other. The other pushes, punches, screams, cries. That’s the other part I wished I had know much earlier. Not wanting to share is actually a normal part of a child’s development. Sharing is a skill that a toddler will develop over several years. You are going to having these conversations over and over again before a toddler begins to understand what she needs to do when she wants a toy and what she needs to do when someone else wants her toy.

If we as parents realize that we are actually asking our toddlers to master a very complicated process that involves the ability to tolerate frustration, have patience, have empathy for others and feel whole enough to give up a part of ourselves, we might also develop a bit more respect and patience for our toddlers and for ourselves.

Tips on play dates at home

Make sure to take a few minutes before the other child comes over to discuss with your child which toys they do not want to part of the play date at all. Those toys you can put away in the closet. Then take a look at which toys are similar and decide who is going to get which truck ,which doll, which car, which teddy bear, which kitchen utensil. You might also plant an idea such that “ you know, at some point in the play you might want to switch toys and take turns playing with the other toy.” You might also let your toddler know that you know that they can have a lot of fun together but if they are having trouble, they can come get some help.

If you would like help with becoming a better parent, please call Irine Schweitzer, LCSW at 818 754-4501 or contact Irine via email. 

Toddlers and Play

Is your toddler putting in a 10 hour day?

You bet he is.

an article by Irine Schweitzer, Psy.D., LCSW

What? You don’t see him getting dressed for work, making lunch, driving off and coming back stressed and exhausted? Well, that’s only because you think work is what adults do. “Toddlers don’t work, they have it easy, they play all day,” you are thinking. Yes, toddlers do play — but for them play is their work.

A toddler is always on the job.

When you see a toddler putting things in containers, tipping them over, putting them back, touching a dog, running in circles, climbing up stairs, throwing a ball, looking at a book, moving to music, crawling, hiding a toy and looking for it, putting on a funny hat, building with blocks, putting a doll to sleep, painting, smearing, crushing, mashing, or smelling, you have just witnessed a toddler at work.

Play allows toddlers to practice the skills they will need as they grow, such as how to climb, how to hold a brush, how to concentrate, how to pay attention, how to make mistakes and how to try again. Through repetition, trial and error, sensory feedback, imagination, and comments from others they learn about their bodies, their feelings, and the boundaries between them and the world around them. Through play toddlers work on developing a sense of themselves, the world, and their place in the world.

Treat your toddler’s work with respect.

Toddlers play is their work, and parents should respect that work.


Once we, as parents, recognize that our toddlers are working, then…

…We would not simply say, “OK, we need to go home now” when our toddler who is enjoying himself in the park. We would:

  • give him fair warning,
  • give him time to finish up what he is in a middle of doing,
  • acknowledge that we realize that he is enjoying his play and exploration,
  • let him know that he will be able to continue next time.

…We would not tell our child to stop his activity just because it is time — like time for lunch. We would:

  • pay attention to what the child is doing,
  • help him finish that activity before moving on to the next.

…We would not simply ask him to “clean up” when he is in a middle of building a fort, or a car or boat. We would:

  • ask him if he wants to save it,
  • help him find a way to put it away safely so that he can continue working on it later.

…We would not assume that a full day of outings need not include some “play time” as well. To us, a day full of activities sound like a day that would keep him busy and entertained. To our toddler, it does not take the place of child-directed play time, which everyone needs — even us, adults.

…We would not complain that our toddler likes to touch everything. We would understand why he:

  • likes to stick his fingers in all the little holes,
  • likes to play with mud,
  • likes to make a mess,
  • spills his toys on purpose,
  • throws the ball hard,
  • can’t sit still,
  • rips out all the pages from the soft cover book,
  • or even likes to step on dog poop.

Recognize your toddler at work.

Create a safe place where he can explore his world, treat this play with respect, and join him in his work. You will watch him grow into a child who is confident, imaginative, and self-assured.

If you would like help with becoming a better parent, please call Irine Schweitzer, LCSW at 818 754-4501 or contact Irine via email.