A Tantrum in the Store!
What is a Mom to Do?
an article by Irine Schweitzer, LCSW
About a month after my son was born, I decided to take him out for a walk. I had finally gotten a bit of sleep, he seemed to be wide awake, and not ready to go back to sleep, so I decided a walk would be good for both of us.
By around 11 am, I had myself dressed, him dressed, fed and changed. I managed to get the stroller folded up so that I could take it into the elevator, grabbed my son with the other hand, got us down to the ground floor, settled him in the stroller and off we went. We walked for about fifteen minutes. I was enjoying the walk, the fresh air, the brightness of a sun that I had not seen for a few weeks, the thrill of walking.
Then, suddenly, he started to fuss. I checked in on him in the stroller, making sure he was fine. Everything looked good and I kept walking. He started to cry, then scream. I was at a loss.
As a new mom, on my first walk out with him, I had no idea what to do. I did not bring any bottles or pacifiers with me. Who knew that he was going to lose it and I would be at least a twenty-minute walk away from home? I picked him up. He kept crying. I tried putting him back in the stroller and walking very fast, hoping it would lull him or distract him. The screaming did not stop.
So embarrassed that my son was screaming bloody murder, I ran home as fast as possible, pulled him out of the stroller, rode up the elevator, and then finally arrived safely back home — where at least I would not need to die of embarrassment, and where I had something I could give him to pacify him. I think some food did it.
He calmed down, but I learned my lesson. Never go out with the baby or a toddler, anywhere, without being prepared.
Two- and three-year-olds have their own ideas of what they want to do.
Taking a toddler on a walk or an errand might seem like a good idea to us moms. We need to get something, we need to get out, we need to see people once in a while. But our toddlers have their own agenda, which we do not always recognize.
By the time we get them ready and ourselves ready, they might be ready for a nap or another meal. Well-fed and with a clean diaper, they might want to crawl, or walk or play. They might not want to be strapped in a car seat, be driven for a while, or be moved from the car to a shopping cart. By the time you get to the store, they might not want to stay seated.
Toddlers, two- or three-year-olds, also have their own idea of what they want to do in a store. They want to touch things, like we do. They want to run up and down the aisles. They want to go home. They want to watch a video. And often what they really want is the brightly packaged candy, cookie or cracker with Dora, SpongeBob or Barbie on it.
So, what are moms like us to do?
The best things to do are to plan the outing and to come prepared.
Time the outing to fit the child’s needs as best as possible. Go after a nap, not right before. Go when the toddler had some time to run around and play and is ready for a snack and some quiet rest time.
In the store, keep the child’s interest. Try one of these approaches:
- Bring a snack, but give it when you get to the store.
- Get a conversation going or sing a song together.
- Let him hold something you purchased.
- Always buy something that he enjoys or recognizes.
And of course, make it quick.
But then the toddler loses it at the store anyway.
She asks for this cookie and that cracker and this juice, and you have just said “No” five times. He wants to get out of the seat, and you need him in there just to get through the checkout line. He is walking besides you, but then decides to touch all the glass jars. You pick him up and he starts screaming, thrashing and hitting you with this legs and arms.
You are about to die of embarrassment. Everyone is looking at you. You are sure everyone is thinking “what a bad mom.” You are so angry and frustrated. You did not see this coming, you feel like a failure, and you keep thinking that it’s not fair that you can’t even go shopping in peace, as you used to.
You can handle this.
Take a deep breath, and realize that children throw tantrums for all sorts of reasons, but none of them have anything to do with you. Remind yourself that the child needs you to help him now more than ever before.
Here are some things you can try, depending on how far along the child is, and whether you can stay collected:
- Give them a choice, saying something like, “You cannot have that, but you can have this.”
- Give them a choice between leaving the store now (without buying something that they want), and calming down so that you can pay for the item and leave.
- Become a broken record (without giving in to whatever it is they are demanding): in as calm a voice as possible, keep saying, “I hear you, I see that you are angry and frustrated, but I cannot let you do x, or buy you x. I can hold you and give you a hug and get us home right now.”
- It may be OK to let the child have her temper tantrum right in the store, if you can move to a corner. In a soothing voice, say, ” I see that you are upset, but we cannot continue shopping and get what you want, until you calm down. I will be right next to you. Let me know when you are ready to continue.”
- If the child does not want to make choices or let you hold them or comfort them, then leave everything in the cart and take the child out to the car. Once there, you can either try calming the child and going back for groceries, or try shopping later.
If you can remain calm through the tantrum, it will feel a lot less difficult and a lot less embarrassing for both of you.
Oh, children.
They give us so many opportunities to develop our “patience” muscle, our “I can handle this” muscle and most importantly, our “this too will pass” muscle. If we can only make it home in one piece.
If you would like help with becoming a better parent, please call Irine Schweitzer, LCSW at 818 754-4501 or send her an email.